I like the story line of where this is going. I thought it was funny when you added the small details about your red paper and arts and crafts bin. I thought those details made it so I could relate more to what story you were trying to tell. Next time, I think you should start off showing the viewer that you are talking to a knifesalesman at the door (that wasn't too clear without the title). Also, try to get to the getting stabbed part faster. But overall good job !
I like the topic of your story because it is unique and was interesting. Maybe next time you can elaborate a little bit more. Also maybe you should try to talk a little bit slower. Good job!
Ian: I'm having a hard time seeing you as a "young boy" here. This sounds like your "Ian" voice, not your "young boy" voice. None of what you say seems young-ish, so I don't really identify this ethos here. Also, what qualities (other than young) do you want this boy to have? You need to nail these down for there to be an ethos.
I'm also not quite sure what I should feel sympathy for. Yes, you got 16 stitches, but you don't seem to bad for it now. If you want me to feel pity, you've got to play it up and give me something to feel pity for.
Get into the character! That will make the difference.
I like the story line of where this is going. I thought it was funny when you added the small details about your red paper and arts and crafts bin. I thought those details made it so I could relate more to what story you were trying to tell. Next time, I think you should start off showing the viewer that you are talking to a knifesalesman at the door (that wasn't too clear without the title). Also, try to get to the getting stabbed part faster. But overall good job !
ReplyDeleteI like the topic of your story because it is unique and was interesting. Maybe next time you can elaborate a little bit more. Also maybe you should try to talk a little bit slower. Good job!
ReplyDeleteIan: I'm having a hard time seeing you as a "young boy" here. This sounds like your "Ian" voice, not your "young boy" voice. None of what you say seems young-ish, so I don't really identify this ethos here. Also, what qualities (other than young) do you want this boy to have? You need to nail these down for there to be an ethos.
ReplyDeleteI'm also not quite sure what I should feel sympathy for. Yes, you got 16 stitches, but you don't seem to bad for it now. If you want me to feel pity, you've got to play it up and give me something to feel pity for.
Get into the character! That will make the difference.